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Updated: Jan 4, 2021

Leadership. Something wives expect and desire the husband to demonstrate in the home. In a Christian home, this expectation and thinking is rooted in Ephesians 5. It is clear as day, that this is the husband’s role, but although he may be aware of this enormous responsibility, it is common that he may not know where to start.

As wives, we must remember that our husbands may not have seen this type of leadership modeled in their home (so when you do the math, that’s 18 years of influence, which sticks more than a “new” concept). As a new husband, they may not feel confident in their ability to lead or feel equipped to lead in all areas (financially, physically, spiritually, etc.). Despite the pre-marital counseling, the “talks” or books, the husband has to first understand his role, believe he is capable, and then put faith into action.

This is real life. I’ve seen it first hand in my own marriage and want to share 4 tips that helped me navigate this challenging reality.

  1. Meet him where he is.

I understand this may be difficult to do because this is simply stating to show grace and not focus on what he is not doing, but on what he is doing. He may be sincerely trying to lead you. Check yourself and make sure you are giving him space to lead and encouragement. If he is in a place where he is not interested in leading, your job is not to force him.

   2. Communicate your thoughts respectively and honestly.

This seems like a given, but you may be surprised that wives are not expressing their true feelings surrounding this matter to their spouse. They may vent to their girlfriends, journal or even social media, but have yet to have a heart to heart with their husband about the way they feel. It’s important to express to your husband how much this area matters to you and how you would like to see them improve in the area of leadership. The key is tone and timing. Remember to be gentle.

   3. Plant seeds.

If you haven’t noticed, all of these tips are things that you have control over. As a wife, we have the greatest influence over our spouse, but we cannot change them, we can only plant seeds. 1 Corinthians 3:5-8 and 1 Peter 3: 1-4 reminds us that we are seed-planters by our words, actions and behavior.

Ideas on how to plant seeds:

  • Initiate conversational prayer

  • Seek his input on bible studies in church and home

  • Find devotionals through the bible app (on any relevant topic) to complete together

  • Set aside time to budget and plan together and have him “drive” the convo

  • Send videos, articles, or scriptures that are relevant to a specific area (finances, sex, vision, spiritual growth, etc.)

In our first and second year of marriage, I used to send my husband scriptures in the morning or read the verse of the day on our car ride in to work (we carpooled). I still believe this was planting a seed that I have seen grow over the last 2-3 years.

   4. Keep praying for those areas where he is lacking!

There is power in prayer. Instead of dwelling on what your husband is not leading in, submit those areas to the Lord. Covering your husband in prayer is the most powerful thing you can do! Pray specifically for his leadership.

It wasn’t until I started to “let go” and petition God on behalf of my husband that I started to see change.

Ladies, I hope and pray these 4 tips help you right now. You can start applying each of these TODAY.

Wives, please share with me below what has worked and/or if you have tried something different than what I listed. If you are ready to involve outside help to support you with this list, please reach out asap through the contact us page or

Praying for your forever marriage,


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About Marissa & Joseph

Joseph and Marissa Msefya have been together for 11 years and married for 7. They are millennial parents, Certified Marriage Coaches, published authors and the Founders of Forever Marriages. They help millennial husbands and wives desiring oneness, build lifelong Christ-centered marriages.

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