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There was a period in my life when I thought this concept was outdated and old fashioned. The Bible was calling women to be less than men, what a joke. But in all reality, this is far from the truth. There is nowhere in the Bible that says women are less than, or men are greater than. In fact, in Galatians 3:28, Paul writes that “… there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” In God’s eyes, we are all the same, loved and valued in the same manner. However, God does establish roles for marriages to be successful.

The success being – to demonstrate to the world the love that God has for His people. For husbands, the concept is simple, but it is not an easy task. As we learn from the life of Jesus on earth, to lead is to serve, but not just any service, sacrificial service.

As a husband, my primary responsibility and quest is not to love my wife, it is to fully submit (die to self) to Christ. I am His servant first and foremost. Only then will I be able to fulfill my secondary responsibility, which is to “love [my] wife as Christ loved the church” (Eph. 5:25) and be the head (Eph. 5:23).

I struggled with this order early in our marriage. I thought I was giving my marriage all I had, but Despite my best efforts, there was still a level of disappointment and frustration. Now, being the head (leader) of your home means a lot more, but at the minimum, I was not leading in prayer or worship. I was reluctant to attend Bible studies. I knew of God, attended church regularly, prayed occasionally, but I did not have a relationship with Him. I kept telling myself that one day I’ll get there, but made no effort to embark on such a journey.

As my wife’s prayers increased, and I surrendered, a change just started happening in me. I thank God for blessing my wife with her discernment that only God can convict and change hearts. Our job as children of God is to share opportunities for others to have a relationship with God, and He will do the rest.

I found myself just yearning to have what I witnessed others having. What a lesson.

Fast forward to today, I am not fully there ( nor is it a destination). Becoming like Christ is a lifelong endeavor, all to prepare us for eternity. However, the more that I submit unto Him, the more I lead in these areas which results in a more fruitful marriage. Each day, I want less of me and more of us. I want our marriage to reflect God’s love for His children.

So in short, how do you become the head in everything? Die to yourself and submit to Christ.

If you found this helpful and would like to be a part of a brotherhood, and participate in prayer and conversation, join the weekly virtual small group for men by sending an email to

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About Marissa & Joseph

Joseph and Marissa Msefya have been together for 11 years and married for 7. They are millennial parents, Certified Marriage Coaches, published authors and the Founders of Forever Marriages. They help millennial husbands and wives desiring oneness, build lifelong Christ-centered marriages.

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