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Updated: Oct 5, 2021

Has your sex life become inconsistent or non-existent because you or your spouse just aren't in the mood anymore?

Is it impacting other areas of your marriage like wanting to be together, spiritual growth, how you communicate and causing you to feel unloved, unwanted and hopeless?

Whether you are the husband or wife reading this, we are here to partner with you to overcome and get to a better place.

First, its important to address what Sex Therapist, Melissa Coats, calls the enemies of desire. These are the things that pull you away from connecting physically, that disrupt your longing for each other. As she reminded us in her workshop in 2020, sex is a very mindful activity. We have to slow down and be present in order to fully experience the beauty of it all.

The reality though, is that couples like yourself, may be stressed out or under an immense amount of pressure. Whether it's the job, sickness, pain, new baby/kids, feeling unsupported, or having 50 billion things to do, these areas have a profound impact on your desire to connect with each other sexually.

Five facts we have learned about sex being married seven years and with a toddler:

1. Rejection is painful and crushing to the spirit. Men may take it harder internally and shut down slowly, whereas the rejection can be written all over a woman's face. We know because we have experienced it.

2. Sex isn't reserved for when you are "in the mood" or for pleasure only. Some days you will have to reach deep when you are tired and not interested. Finding creative ways to build intimacy is necessary to the health and longevity of the marriage, but remember it starts in the kitchen not the bedroom.

3. To enjoy regular sex together, it often has to be scheduled just like you schedule time to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner or to watch your favorite shows. This doesn't mean it will be boring, it means it will be intentional.

4. When your spiritual intimacy is high, your sexual intimacy is stronger. Understanding the beautiful connection between feeding yourselves continually with God's Word together is correlated with closeness and desire you will have for each other. Keep God the main thing and always pray for your sex life.

5. Preparation is key. This goes hand in hand with number 3 because when this is scheduled, you and your spouse have time to mentally and physically prepare yourselves, lessening the likelihood of being let down.

What to do next

With all this knowledge comes dialogue. You and your spouse must have open conversations about how you feel and what you want to see change, while understanding that the lack of sex is just a symptom of a greater problem.

If sex is something you value personally and in your marriage, the goal is to convey that to your spouse in an emotionally healthy way and then work together to find solutions.

This could include attending a sex related workshop, counseling, reading books or just learning about your spouse's beliefs and expectations around sex.

It requires commitment.

If you are looking for additional resources to improve this area, we have released a video on-demand course, Marriage is a V.E.R.B., a pathway to more peace, unity and purpose to solve issues such as sexless marriages and many more. Included are four simple exercises to help you have deeper satisfaction.

Click here to learn more.

We are praying for your forever marriage, and we are here to partner with you.

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About Marissa & Joseph

Joseph and Marissa Msefya have been together for 11 years and married for 7. They are millennial parents, Certified Marriage Coaches, published authors and the Founders of Forever Marriages. They help millennial husbands and wives desiring oneness, build lifelong Christ-centered marriages.

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